Gift Receipt Please... by Chi-town TOE

Ladies and Gentlemen, I trust you had a wonderful holiday season. Now that the holidays are over and the gifts have been unwrapped, it is time for a holiday tradition. I am not talking about taking down the outside lights before the 4th of July, or drinking all the Egg Nog in the fridge before the expiration date runs out. What I am talking about is returning all the crappy gifts people gave you. The ugly sweater, the 22nd Christmas tie, or the candle that burns your nostrils....a pungent odor. So why not return a few crappy sports "gifts" that we have been blessed with. I hope these gifts came with a few gift receipts, because I could use an upgrade.

1. I have numerous Bulls gifts to return.
a. John Paxson. Seriously John, my man crush of 1993 has completely vanished. Horrible draft decisions, your policy of thinking Luol Deng and Michael Jordan are equal, your no-trade clauses, and your firing of Scott Skiles makes me want to return you. "Hey, I passed on KG and Kobe, traded Tyson Chandler, signed the dreadful Capt. Kirk Hinrich to an extension, and blamed my coach for it all. " (By the way, since when was it acceptable in society to fire a coach because he was too hard on players. This isn't 2nd grade church league, although with Ben Gordon's defense it might seem like it, this is the NBA!!)
b. Tyrus Thomas- Pop Quiz: Which player would you want for your team?
Choice A: Averages 18+ a game.
Choice B: Rookie of the Year in 2007.
Choice C: Throws down 2 sick YouTube dunks and sits on the bench the rest of the year because his jump shots is worse than your grandma's.
If you picked choice A, Lamarcus Aldrige, or Choice B, Brandon Roy, you are obviously smarter than Bulls management.
c. Ben Wallace- This guy just sucks. I actually miss Luc Longley.

2. Take back Cedric Benson. What an awesome #4 pick in the draft. He is so motivated and hits the holes so hard. At least he stays healthy the whole year. HAH!! Is Bears management trying to outdo Johnny Pax? (Bears fans, you may ask why I am not returning Rex Grossman. A fair question, but lets be honest I returned him after Christmas in 04.)

3. Whoever that crappy Illinois receiver was who fumbled the ball when the ILLINI were 5 yards from closing the gap to 21-17 in the third quarter of the Rose Bowl.

4. Roger Clemens' Awards. How the mighty have fallen. Heck, I like the guy and love watching him pitch. However, we should have seen something was afoot when each of his quads were all muscle and bigger than my waist after the age of 40.

5. The BCS! Thank you for this beautiful system that sorts out all the confusion and gives us such meaningful games. I was so excited to watch my favorite sport culminate in the beautiful blowouts on New Years Day and the excitement of, hold your breath now, Kansas vs. Va Tech in the Orange Bowl. Speaking of Bowl Games, does anybody else find it completely unfair that all Midwest teams have to play their bowl games essentially on the road? How come the Rose Bowl is always in USC's back yard. Have those West Coast nancies play every other year at Soldier Field and see how Pete Carroll, Snoop Dogg, Will Ferrell, and OJ adjust to real man's weather. "Congratulations Ohio St. You have won a trip to the National Championship. You will play at a neutral cite.....New Orleans! Please ignore the 89% of fans in yellow and blue." What a crock! WE WANT A PLAYOFF!

6. The 72 Dolphins. I really don't dislike them at all or love the 2007 Pats, but do think it is hilarious that they can't all sit together and pop the champagne this year. By the way, the 85 Bears were better anyways.


The holidays weren't all bad. I got some sweet gifts as well. I am not taking back Guitar Hero, Fukudome, or the Irish recruiting class. Those are some gifts I gladly accept and already have me looking forward to a grand 2008. Lets hope the 100th anniversary of the Cubs World Series win brings us Cub fans luck for the new year.


Pics:
Tyrus Thomas: www.nba.com
Clemens: www.art.com